Blobster
The culmination of years of research and development, Blobster provides you with the great taste of lobster through our unique blending of plankton, krill, brine shrimp, and our own secret space-age flavor polymers. We thought of keeping it to ourselves, but that would be just plain shellfish...
"But what's wrong with regular lobster?" you ask. Well, here are four`reasons right off the top of our heads why you should switch to Blobster.
Four Reasons to Switch:
  • Prohibitive expense: Isn't it time you shook off the yoke of the monopolistic, price-fixing robber barons of the lobster industry?* Do you really think it costs that much to catch lobster? The ocean is crawling with them! They're bottom-feeders for Pete's sake!** Besides, with the looming threat of geopolitical/ socioeconomic collapse due to that pesky Y2K problem, can you afford to squander money on fresh lobster that would be better spent on canned goods, bottled water and ammunition? 
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  • Complicated storage: Gosh, for creatures with such threatening claws, lobsters are frail little things, aren't they? Keep 'em on ice, keep 'em in salt water, keep 'em above 40 degrees F, cook weak lobsters first or they'll be eaten by the other lobsters -- it's an endless list of penny-ante rules cramping your style. Blobster comes in a can. It sits on a shelf until you open it. 'nuff said. Besides, as we mentioned before, in these uncertain times, you can never have enough canned food.
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  • Messy shell-cracking: Is there anything, and we mean ANYTHING, more pathetic than a grown man or woman wearing a bib? We think the notion of food that can splash back is just plain silly, so we not only got rid of the shell, but we put the taste of drawn butter in each and every tasty chunk. Now, we know there are still some compulsive shell-crackers out there, so for you we also offer new "Like Fresh" Blobster in the Zip-Krak Shell . Get yourself a can of Blobster and restore your dignity.
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  • Unsettling cooking process: Now this is really icky. You are aware that lobsters have to be placed head-first in boiling water, aren't you? Do you really want to be the one to do it? Do you relish the idea of explaining  to your six-year old just what the scratching noises coming from the pot are? If so, you are a fiend. Go away. If, however, you're a thinking, feeling person like us, feel free to enjoy the guilt-free treat that is Blobster !
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    So there you have it!  Say goodbye to feeding the rapacious beast that is the lobster industry. Say goodbye to treating your dinner like a newborn babe. Say goodbye to bibs and nutcrackers that make you look like a fool. Say goodbye to being put in the position of a cold-blooded murderer. Instead, say "hello" to Blobster !
    *Allied Chemical and its subsidiary companies accept no responsibility for the accuracy of this statement.
    **Or this one, either.