||The culmination of
years of research and development, Blobster provides you
with the great taste of lobster through our unique blending of
plankton, krill, brine shrimp, and our own secret space-age
flavor polymers. We thought of keeping it to ourselves,
but that would be just plain shellfish...
|"But what's wrong with
regular lobster?" you ask. Well, here are four`reasons right off the
top of our heads why you should switch to Blobster.
Reasons to Switch:
Prohibitive expense: Isn't
it time you shook off the yoke of the monopolistic, price-fixing
robber barons of the lobster industry?* Do you really think it
costs that much to catch lobster? The ocean is crawling with them!
They're bottom-feeders for Pete's sake!** Besides,
with the looming threat of geopolitical/ socioeconomic collapse
due to that pesky Y2K problem, can you afford to squander
money on fresh lobster that would be better spent on canned goods,
bottled water and ammunition?
Complicated storage: Gosh, for
creatures with such threatening claws, lobsters are frail little
things, aren't they? Keep 'em on ice, keep 'em in salt water, keep 'em
above 40 degrees F, cook weak lobsters first or they'll be eaten
by the other lobsters -- it's an endless list of penny-ante rules cramping
your style. Blobster comes in a can. It sits on a shelf until
you open it. 'nuff said. Besides, as we mentioned before, in these uncertain
times, you can never have enough canned food.
Messy shell-cracking: Is there
anything, and we mean ANYTHING, more pathetic than a grown
man or woman wearing a bib? We think the notion of food that can splash
back is just plain silly, so we not only got rid of the shell,
but we put the taste of drawn butter in each and every tasty
chunk. Now, we know there are still some compulsive shell-crackers
out there, so for you we also offer new "Like Fresh" Blobster
in the Zip-Krak Shell . Get yourself a can of Blobster
and restore your dignity.
process: Now this is really icky. You are aware that
lobsters have to be placed head-first in boiling water,
aren't you? Do you really want to be the one to do it? Do you
relish the idea of explaining to your six-year old just
what the scratching noises coming from the pot are? If
so, you are a fiend. Go away. If, however, you're a thinking,
feeling person like us, feel free to enjoy the guilt-free treat
that is Blobster !
So there you have it!
Say goodbye to feeding the rapacious beast that is the lobster
industry. Say goodbye to treating your dinner like a newborn babe.
Say goodbye to bibs and nutcrackers that make you look like a fool.
Say goodbye to being put in the position of a cold-blooded murderer.
Instead, say "hello" to Blobster !
|*Allied Chemical and its
subsidiary companies accept no responsibility for the accuracy of this
**Or this one, either.