Letters to Hammy

Hey Kids! 

You know, there's nothing I like better than answering your letters!  It's the brightest part of my already-technicolor day!

If you've got a question for me, just send them to hamspread@alliedchemical.com and maybe you'll see me answer it here!

Our first letter comes us from little Jenny Pinkerton of Myrtle Beach California.  Jenny writes...

Dear Hammy,

Do you know Santa Claus?  If you do, could you tell him that I want a pony for Christmas?  I've been very good all year and I really want one.



p.s.  I'm the Jenny with blond hair, not the Jenny with red hair.

Well Jenny, Santa Claus is a very good friend of Hammy's, so I decided to mention your request to him while we were bowling the other night.

Santa was facing a difficult seven-ten split and was waiting for his ball to come back.  I said "Hey Santa, my friend Jenny wrote me...."

"The one with the blond hair?" Santa asked as he picked up his ball and approached the lane.

"Yes" I answered, "she wants a..."

Just then Santa let his ball go and made the spare!  Wow!  I couldn't believe it!  People were very impressed and kept coming up to our lane with drinks.  I hardly had a chance to talk to him the rest of the night!

Unfortunately, that was Santa's last free night for a while, he always goes into seclusion a few months before Christmas to prepare.  I'm sure he got the gist of what I meant though.

Our next letter comes to us from little Jimmy Robandolin of Youngstown, Ohio.  Jimmy writes...
Dear Hammy,

How can you live with yourself representing a product that is responsible for the senseless slaughter of thousands of your swine brethren each day?  Have you been duped somehow or are just simply a  sellout? 

Sincerely and with Disgust,


Jimmy, I'm glad you asked me that! 

Thanks to the good people at Allied Chemical, all pigs used in the production of Farmer Fred's Happydale Ham Spread are genetically engineered to be born without a brain. 

A small transmitter embedded in the skull controls basic motor functions such as feed consumption, procreation, defecation, and so forth. At the time of ham spread production this transmitter is simply deactivated and removed!  No fuss, no muss, no unpleasant squeals of pain! 

So you see, Jimmy, these pigs, or "meat-bots" as we like to call them, don't have an independent thought process.  This renders them essentially Karma-free (but still darn tasty!). 

Thanks again for your question, Jimmy!

Well, that's all for now kids!  Don't forget to stock up on plenty of Farmer Fred's Happydale Hamspread and remember...

It's a better world...through chemicals!